An Enchanted Journey

This sign hangs above the front desk at the girls' preschool.

It's pretty much their life motto.

So it made me want to share with you a peek at

the enchanted journey they're on... together.

Once upon a time, there were two little girls in a land called Texas.

They came from very different places, but their love was instantaneous.

Though they loved each other, some days they tried to hide and not let their feelings show.

But they soon realized that they were better when they put their heads together.

They came up with an idea, to take a giant step of toddlerkind...

...and set off on a journey together.

On their quest, they ventured into magical lands,

discovered new creatures,

seized castles,

and rescued their little Prince Charming.

Along the way, they realized they were stronger together, an unbeatable team.

They learned to wait out the storms of life,

 

lift each other up,

shelter each other from the rain,

take care of each other when they're sick,

and face the waves head on.

When they do life together, they can conquer mountains.

Some days they feel invincible, like they can fight crime

and fires.

 

They're just kool kats.

 Then there are days when they feel conflicted,

 

like they need a get-a-way car instead.

 The journey may not always be comfortable.

 

They will need someone they can trust to listen,

someone whose shoulder they can cry on,

someone who will pray for them at any time,



and someone they know will walk out this life right next to them.

They want to love on people of all sizes and stations in life,

and to give that love away

until their cups overflow.

 "Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
-1 John 4:11

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." -Romans 15:5-7

The 5 Stages

Adoption is a crazy ride. After some great conversation at an orphan care meeting the other night, I realize that there are 5 stages to adoption, much like grief but generally with a happier ending. As I was brainstorming this, I actually came up with a couple different ways of looking at it.


The 5 Stages of the Adoption Process

1. Denial — All an adoptive parent sees when starting the process is a child at the end of a long dark tunnel. That child is a bright light, diverting all of our attention, so we can't see anything else in the tunnel. The reality of the journey that lies ahead can be daunting and overwhelming, so the parent chooses only to keep their eyes on the end goal so they don't see the tunnel at all.
2. Anger — As you begin to divulge every little nuance and detail of your private life to complete strangers who write it all down to share it with agencies and government officials under the code name "home study," the anger and frustration can start to kick in. This is where the hiccups, delays, issues and extras fees begin to emerge. You start to discover everything wrong with the process.
3. Bargaining — As you get deeper into the process, you start to realize just how very long and dark the tunnel is. (The average international adoption takes 3 years and nearly $30k.) New policies are always being enacted, laws changed, new requirements added and extra fees heaped onto the case load. This is when the parent may go rouge and attempt to become Jason Bourne in search of the origin of any and all issues and how to annihilate them.
4. Depression — The wait. The excruciating, gut-wrenching, fear inducing, mind-numbing, tear-jerking wait for your child. There are many tears in this stage. All-encompassing worry sets in. You worry about your child, and you worry about the process. And you worry you're going to lose your child in the process.
5. Acceptance — Then the day finally arrives and you become a family. Forever.

As you go through the process of adopting a child, you learn a ton, you think about things you may have never thought about before and your entire perspective changes. Honestly I think these are the stages that God takes us through as He begins to break our hearts for what breaks His.


The 5 Stages of Your Heart Through Adoption

1. Denial — When you decide to adopt, it's generally either because you selfishly want a child or you self-righteously want to save a child. Either way, you go into an adoption thinking it's just about adding a child to your family.
2. Anger — As you get knee deep into the adoption waters, you learn about why these kids need families. You learn the horror stories of how they became orphans. You realize that the world is a VERY fallen place full of VERY fallen people. The travesties make you cry so hard you might scream. You become so angry you can't think straight, and you don't understand why everyone around you isn't bursting at the seems to talk about these issues that make your blood boil.
3. Bargaining — You're ready to hop on the next plane and change the world... if you only knew what to do. You constantly ask God why He would let this happen and beg Him to change it.
4. Depression —  You are overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation and feel helpless to change anything.
5. Acceptance — Then one day it all hits you. What you are doing by adopting a child into your family is a picture of what God has done for us. You realize that adoption isn't just adding a kid to your family. Adoption is how God adds us to His family. And that is exactly what you want to tell the world because being part of God's family is truly forever.
   
   

"But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son... so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." - Galatians 4:4-7

Translating Adoptionese

I started writing this post a while back but for whatever reason, never got a chance to finish it.  And ya'll, I'm so glad because Kristen at Rage Against the Minivan just posted THE FUNNIEST video on this very subject the other day!  So, it's best we start off with this lovely little gem to give you an idea of what we're talking about today.

If you wouldn't say it about a boob job,
don't say it about an adoptive family.

Yup. Believe it or not, I get all of those questions, phrased just like that, ALL the time. And no, they are not asking about my boobs. Now, don't feel horrible if you've let one of these slip.  I'm sure I said a few before we went through the adoption process, too. Adoption lingo is new territory for a lot of people, and sometimes that little filter between our head and mouth gets all clogged up at just the right time to make for some awkward moments like in the video.

So, I'm here to help navigate these crazy new waters with you. Here's a list of common questions and comments that we hear. I'll do my best to explain how to rephrase it or explain why it's completely inappropriate so you can become a fluent in Adoptionese.  Here goes...

1. "Is she your real kid?"
   
   This is one happens ALL. THE. TIME.  As funny as it is in the video, this is one that can hurt in real life, especially if the kids can hear, which is usually the case.  Let me explain once and for all: there are no fake kids. None. Every child is a real child. The appropriate terminology here is biological.
   
2.  "Where'd ya get her from?" or "Where'd ya get that baby?"Like he said in the video, "she's not a fashion accessory" I just happened to pick up on a whim or on a clearance rack. Simply ask, "Where was she born?" or "Where did you adopt from?"
   
3. "Could you not have your own kids?" or "Could you not have real kids?"
   
   So a reminder, the terminology you're looking for is biological.  However, unless you know someone very well, this is not at all appropriate and for most people is a private issue. So if you are checking out at the grocery store and see a multiracial family that you have never met, leave this question off the list.  Personally, I don't mind this question because I'm a pretty open book, and I absolutely love a reason to start talking about adoption. But to be sensitive to people you come across or even friends you know, try asking in a delicate manner which gives the person the opportunity to open up or to bow out gracefully: "I think adoption is great. What made you decide to adopt?"
   
4. "How much did she cost?" or "Was she expensive?"
   
   This is NEVER appropriate to ask in front of a child or to a complete stranger.  And you do not pay for a child- that is trafficking. There are a ton of expenses involved in an adoption, yes.  Those expenses are for numerous things like agency fees, documents, home studies, social workers, couriers, orphanage fees, travel documentation, lawyers, airfares, hotels, court fees, etc.  But if this is something you are truly interested in, a simple google search should help you figure it out without embarrassing or humiliating someone, including yourself.  If you want to ask a friend you know, simply ask about the costs involved in an adoption, NOT the cost of a child.
   
5. "What happened to her real/birth mom?" or "What happened to her real family?"
   
   Adoption, while it is a wonderful thing, is born out of brokenness, grief and loss. This is a very private issue and one you don't need to ask. EVER. Just for some perspective, click here to see the pain and heartbreak on these parents' faces as they abandon their children at a baby hatch in China.
   
6.  "They really don't want girls in China, huh?"
   
   Um, don't go there.
   
7.  "She looks like a China doll."
   Just don't.
   
8.  "So you want to be like Brad and Angelina?" or "You're going to be like Brad & Angelina."
   
   Please. Make. It. Stop.
   
9. "Are you babysitting today?" or "Are all those kids yours?" or "So you're collecting a basketball/baseball/football team."
   
   Believe it or not, I get this one a lot!  I find it kind of funny, and I expect it now because I have to be honest, with two kids that look a lot like me and one that doesn't, well you can see it coming. It's an honest question and a way for people to try and figure out your situation.  It does get old, but it's not offensive or inappropriate.
   
10.  "Does she know she was adopted? Are you going to tell her she's adopted?"
    
    This one is sometimes whispered to me so no one else will hear. I wish people would whisper some of the other ones! Adoption is not a bad word or a bad thing at all! We openly talk about adoption at home. At 2 years old, Zoe knows she was born in China and can find it on the map. Adoption is a beautiful thing, another way for God to knit a family together, making it whole. And honestly, if we didn't tell Zoe, well, see number 9 and the picture below.
    
    
    
    
    
11. "Weren't there any American kids you could adopt?" or
    "Why don't you adopt from the US?"
    
    Be ready if you ask me this because I will ask you the exact same question. I read a statistic today that said if 1 family in every 3 churches in the US adopted a child, we would adopt every child in need of a family in the US. Yet, tens of thousands age out of the system every year without a family. There are millions, MILLIONS of children across the planet that need homes. God put China on our hearts so that's where we pursued Zoe. Right now we are waiting on our fourth child in Ethiopia because God broke my heart for their orphan crisis.
    
12. "You know, now that you have adopted, you'll get pregnant." or "You adopted and got pregnant, yup, happens every time."
    
    Stay far, far away from the first one. People who have struggled or are struggling with infertility have probably been down a tough, painful road that has left scars. Telling them they will get pregnant is like driving a knife right into their heart. Adoption isn't a fertility cure. And adoption isn't always a "Plan B." Some of us chose it as "Plan A" and were overjoyed to also have biological kids.
    
13. The Horror Stories.
    
    As soon as I tell someone Zoe is adopted, it's not unusual for that person to unload on me the worst adoption story they've ever heard from their brother's friend's cousin's wife's sister who read an article about it on the internet. Maybe it's the only other time they've heard the word adoption?  Whatever the reason people feel the urge to vomit up these stories, it is NOT okay. We love our adopted children and don't want you to rain on our family's parade. And believe me, anyone who has adopted has researched everything on the topic and has been all but strip searched for their background checks. Nothing you can conjure up will surprise us or suddenly make us second guess this thing we have ALREADY done.
    
14. "I have always wanted to adopt, BUT..."
    I welcome this conversation if you're serious and might be open to talking about possibilities. But if this was just a one time fleeting thought you had and you're simply trying to find common ground with me, please don't. It will make you look foolish.
    
15. "She's so lucky" or "You're amazing for doing that."
    
    There's no way to sugarcoat it: Do. Not. Say. This. I know you have every kind intention but it does not go over like you think it will. She's not a charity case. She's my kid. If you want to say something sweet, try, "She is awesome. You're so lucky/blessed to have her in your family." That will bless us beyond measure.

The Photo Album

After we were matched with Zoe but waiting to go get her, we sent a care package to her at the orphanage.  One of the things we sent was a baby photo album with pictures of all of us and written in Mandarin underneath them was "Mommy," "Daddy," "Sister" and "Forever Family."

The day we met Zoe, the orphanage director had brought all the things we had sent to Zoe, including the photo album.  She was terrified of us initially and holding onto that photo album seemed to console her a little bit.  She was holding on for dear life to something she knew, something from home, yet it was pictures of us.

You can read about that crazy awesome day here.

She's passed out in my arms still holding that photo album tight. The orphanage director is the woman next to me.

Today, nearly 16 months after being home with her forever family, she still likes to pull out her album.  But now she can tell me who everyone is in the pictures.  Love watching her grow up, my little Spicy Peanut.

One Year Anniversary of Zoe's Gotcha Day

A year ago today we were in Changsha, China.  We were filled with mixed emotions as we walked into a room where we met Zoe for the first time.  She had one emotion- FEAR.

As she tried to run the orphanage director out of the room, then cried and flailed in my arms for a half an hour before passing out, she made it very clear she was not happy and not sure of what was going on.  I can't blame her.  Poor little thing had been in a small orphanage since she was a day old and had probably never been outside those walls.  She had never been in a car, then the day before we met her, she was driven over 8 hours on bumpy roads to this room.  To this room where for the first time she saw white people with weird curly hair and was then handed over to those scary looking people.  That's a lot for anyone to handle let alone a 12 month old.

We discovered that at a year old she could not crawl, feed herself finger foods or be fed from a spoon.  The only thing she wanted and was familiar with was a boiling hot bottle of milk.  If it was not made with boiling water, she would not take it.

In those first days and weeks were night terrors, only wanting to be held by me 24/7, sickness, and cries for her orphanage nannies while she slept.  Loving someone you barely know is hard.  Loving someone who doesn't yet love you back is hard.  Loving someone in the midst of trauma is hard. Loving someone when they only push you away is hard.  But loving them where they are, in a way they can accept it, and without expecting it in return is vital.

Within 4 days she was smiling, clapping, crawling, waving, signing "thank you," saying "dada" and responding to the name Zoe Xiu. She was starting to bond, although still very cautious and unsure.

After two weeks of living in hotels with her in China, we finally arrived back in the states.  When we got to the house, she just seemed to know she was finally home.  She LOVED Arella from the very first minute and started walking right after we got home, trying to keep up with this fast moving big sister.

It was a bumpy road.  It was hard.  It was awesome.  We wouldn't change it for the world.  Over the last year Zoe has blossomed into a little toddler and loves her family very much.  Happy Gotcha Day my spicy peanut, and thank you for adding so much love, giggles and joy to our family!

 THEN 

+ LOVE =

NOW

Fear and a Stranger

Happy with Mommy

Sisters from day 1

Quick to love

Always together

Here is the link to the post of her Gotcha Day.

Elephants, Minnie Mouse & a Spicy Peanut

On Zoe's first birthday, there were no precious frosting-all-over-the-face pictures taken. Presents were not opened and played with as family oohed and ahhed at her cuteness.  There were no special birthday outfits or blowing out of candles.  I'm not even sure if anyone in the orphanage remembered or knew that it was her birthday, let alone sang "Happy Birthday" to her.

Zoe did have a family on the other side of the world praying for her, wishing desperately that they could do all of those things with her on that very special day.  We made her a cake, set her picture next to it and sang "Happy Birthday," dreaming that she could hear our heart felt, teary-eyed song.  We took her picture and cake to House Church to celebrate in her honor.  It still felt so empty, so meaningless without her here.

But...  on Zoe's second birthday, all was right in her world.  She picked out her pretty Chinese dress to wear.  She chose to have Minnie Mouse and elephants featured on her cupcakes.  She actually ate frosting for the first time (she's not much of a sweets kinda gal).  And when we sang "Happy Birthday," that girl soaked up Every. Single. Note.  She savored every moment of her party.  She shared every toy that was opened.  She hugged each friend and family member as a thank you.  Zoe knows now that she is special, loved, remembered. 

I love you Peanut.            So. Very. Much.            Happy birthday.

Twins?

Several kids have asked me if Arella and Zoe are twins.  Not just sisters, twins.

At first I just thought this was just a funny little kid thing.  But it's happened more often than you would guess, and as it happened again tonight, it's just stuck in the forefront of my brain.

We were out and about getting blood tests and other fun medical exam stuff done for our next adoption and Daddy was going to be working late through dinner.  So like any brilliant mom, I set my mom-mobile on autopilot for Chick-fil-A.  We got there early so it was actually relaxing.  Had a nice little meal with my girls and then giggled on over to the play area to get some energy out before driving home.

There was just a 5 year old boy and 7 year old girl already in there.  After studying my girls for a few minutes, our conversation went something like this:

Girl: Are they sisters?
Me: Yes.
Girl:  How old are they?
Me: (pointing) Arella is 2 and Zoe is almost 2.

 She ran off and played but kept watching them.  A few minutes later she wandered over again:

Girl:  Are they twins?
Me: No, but they are sisters.
Girl:  But they're wearing the same shirts.

There it is.  Nearly every time the girls wear the same shirts, kids ask if they are twins.  It's funny to me that kids seem to have the idea of sameness or likeness in regards to what a twin is but a similarity in their outfits is the most compelling argument that they might be twins.

I just love that kids, even older kids, just see two little girls wearing the same shirts.  I love that it doesn't compute that those girls are completely different sizes and have completely different appearances.  They just see two girls playing together wearing the same clothes. 

I think it's important for us to celebrate our uniqueness and different cultures and histories, and I think looking at each other through the eyes of a child is how we do just that.  We need to take off our predetermined judgements and assumptions and truly see the beautiful person sitting next to us for the first time.

In the last week or so, Arella and Zoe have started discovering their differences and I stand in awe of the sweetness of it.  Arella has discovered Zoe's "little ear" for the first time and Zoe has discovered Arella's curly hair.  It's like they have found MORE things to love about each other instead of less.

Lord, I pray that you would help me discover more things to love about those around me instead of reasons to keep my distance.