Identity Crisis

***Quick caveat- I wrote this over a month ago, but for some reason never got around to publishing it.  Oh Mommyhood...

Apparently every 4 years or so I feel the need to do something drastic, so I take it out on my hair.  I had a pretty good reason this time as Arella's little fingers were getting so intertwined in my curls it was hard to get her untangled sometimes.  Plus my molting season has apparently begun, and I clogged up the drain and the vacuum cleaner with my shedded remnants.  Classy, I know.

Since I discovered my freshman year in high school that my hair wasn't just frizzy, it had turned curly, I've loved it.  In college a few times I felt I needed a change in my life, so I took began to take it out on my hair- dyeing it, bleaching it (really bad decision!), chopping it.  I really wanted to shave it at one point, but I think that would've made my mom cry, so I left that to GI Jane.  Apparently, my hair had become my outlet.

My hair had gotten really long going into the 2004 Olympics, so following the Games, I chopped it big time again and donated 12 inches to Locks of Love.  I guess I forgot to cut my hair for the next few years, because it got really long again going into the 2008 Olympics.  So of course, following the Games I chopped it again, donated 8 inches to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths.  This time around I had about 8 inches again and let Visible Changes donate it.

When my hairstylist chopped off that braid, I immediately felt a weight lifted off my shoulders- one less hassle to deal with!  Welcome to Mommyhood, hair style included.  I felt so good walking out of there, but then I got home and just wasn't happy with the "do."  I didn't really care so much because it is WAY easier right now, but sometimes it makes me feel like I'm going through an awkward stage again.  Can't we leave that back in junior high?!

It really started to bother me that my hair style bothered me so much.  I never seem to like it when I cut it short, but yet I get tired of it long and always chop it.  So why don't I like it short?  I began to dwell on this, certain I could get to the bottom of this big stupid hair crisis mystery.  Then a light bulb showed up over my head.

I like my hair, and I like the way it looks long. This is the way people know me, this is the way I see myself.  With it cut short, it's like I'm having a little identity crisis.  The way I identify myself and they way others identify me, is often by my hair.  It sounds a little silly to write on here for all the world to see, but if I'm being honest, my identity is a little bit wrapped up in the way I look, in my hair.  It's a feature people always notice and give me compliments on.  It's a feature that I'm usually pretty content with.  And I just went a got rid of it.

It's made me realize that maybe I let myself wrap my identity in my hair a bit too much.  And that's not the only thing I've let myself be defined by- diving is my other biggie.  It's no secret I've always loved diving and had some pretty amazing experiences through diving, but I have let it define my life a bit.  Now, I'm not saying these are bad things.  We have talents and passions that very much define our path in life, but it's easy to let even good things take over too much of our life and begin to define who we are and not just the route we're taking.

What I've realized through my mini identity crisis this week, is that I've let many things in this world (including my appearance) define who I am.  When those things are taken away, I feel lost, abandoned, exposed.  But they are just things in this world that I'm clinging to way too tightly!  I'm learning once again to let the things of this world go.

"Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."  1 Peter 3:3-4

Here I Am

Over the last few years I have found myself with the same prayer on my heart:

"Here I am, send me."

In my heart I have longed to see what God has had planned for me.  But when I get these tugs in my heart to "go", I suddenly doubt it must be from God and make up every excuse I can think of and try to rationalize my way out of it.  Why don't I blindly trust Him? 

I look at my daughter and she trusts and depends so completely and fully on me.  She knows I will always be there to meet her needs, or even just hold her when she doesn't feel good.  Why don't I depend and trust God like that?  Why do I think twice and second guess Him?  He created me, knows every tiny detail of me, He loves me, provides for me and will never leave me.  So why don't I trust Him the way a little baby trusts her parents? 

Things don't have to make sense to me.  I can't worry about what others will say or think. I need to stop questioning and second guessing and I need to start trusting.

"If You say go, I will go
If You say wait, I will wait
If You say step out on the water
and they say it can't be done
I will fix my eyes on You and I will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You"

Austin WETS Banquet

Two weeks ago we took a little trip up to Austin for the annual WETS banquet.  It was Arella's first road trip (she did awesome), and it was a great time to catch up with old Texas teammates, coaches and friends!

A nice little family picture

The Erwin Award winners

Vera & I with our UT coach Matt Scoggin

A very cool cow with Texas Hall of Famers painted on it by the amazing Robert Hurst.

 On our way home we got stuck in traffic after a car was rear ended off the road.  It started a fire and with the super dry Texas weather and the winds kicking up, it spread fast.  Fortunately everyone seemed to be okay.

Real Hope

Today marks 1 year til the 2012 London Olympic Games.  I also just learned early this morning that a beloved Olympic Silver Medalist, Jeret "Speedy" Peterson took his life the other night. 

This is a powerful and painful reminder to me how big and important things can appear to me, and how easily I can get caught up in them.  I'm a dreamer, a big dreamer, and I'm always striving for something.  That in itself is a good thing, as usually those dreams and passions are something that God places on my heart and wants me doing.  But even when I'm striving for something "good," my focus can get distorted, placing way too much importance on that goal or dream, where it becomes the center of my life and the thing by which I measure everything else.  Then suddenly without even knowing it, I realize that this great and wonderful dream has now become the idol which I am overly focused on, it's the center of my life, it's what I'm worshiping.

But a gold medal, a fancy diploma, a cushy bank account, fame, fitting in... these things aren't lasting, they're fleeting.  Gold medals tarnish, the ribbons unravel; it doesn't erase your past or your problems or magically change your character.  Diplomas are just papers saying you've spent X amount of time studying from a book; it doesn't mean you are now wise or know how to truly live.  Money comes and goes and often creates more problems and more emptiness inside as you realize the things you buy will never fully satisfy you.  Fame lasts for that quick 15 minutes and then people forget and cease to care about you; it's lust not real love.  Fitting in and people pleasing is only trying to mash yourself into a box that you may not fit; it doesn't allow you to be your unique self and to understand how to give and receive true affection and love.

All these things are not "bad" things but when we are consumed by them, they are idols we are placing in our lives.  They are all temporary, they will all fade away in the end.  But the One who truly deserves and is worthy of our worship, offers a relationship that is eternal and has far greater reward than anything this world can offer.  He will not leave you thirsting for more.  He will not leave you longing for the next best thing.  He will not cease to love you.  He will never leave you.  He will, however, provide for you.  He will walk with you through the storm.  He will fill your emptiness with a very true, very real and everlasting and loving relationship.

You don't have to clean yourself up to come to Him.  As a matter of fact, He says you can't earn it, it's a gift.  "For by grace you have been saved through faith,and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast."  (Ephesians 2:8-9)  No matter what you've done or where you've been, He loves you and desires a relationship with you.  His is the way, the truth and the life.  He is Jesus, and the hope we have in Him is eternal and will never ever fade away.

When it rains....

This past week has brought our first steady rains in quite some time.  The Woodlands is usually lush and green with flowers everywhere, pretty much the tropical part of Texas.  But 15 inches behind in our annual rainfall has left this area brown and dried up with people hiding in their AC filled homes this summer including on July 4th which for the first time that I can remember has not ended with a bang due to fire fears.  With the rain this week, I was thankful that my yard is beginning to look green again, but I was also reminded of a few very special days in my life.

I've always loved rain and big storms, there's just something so awesome, scary and calming about them all at the same time.  Maybe it's the intensity with which they come and hit, or perhaps it's that part of you that just wants to snuggle under a blanket with a good book listening to the rain, or the fun moments when you're caught out in it and it makes you giggle and want to step in a puddle.  And it's kind of cool that three of the most important and memorable days of my life happened on dark and stormy days.

On September 24, 2000 in Sydney, Australia, as I headed to the Olympic venue nervous and excited for my final five dives, the ones that would end up catapulting me to the top of the podium, I stared out the bus windows watching the rain start to fall.  As I walked down the long corridor between the pool and a wall of windows, I watched the rain come down harder, even a little sideways.  I remember smiling, thinking, "These conditions are just perfect."  And they were.

Two years later on September 7th, I was supposed to have a beautiful, much dreamed of outdoor wedding.  But a few days prior we started tracking Tropical Storm Fay that was headed right for us, like a last minute uninvited guest.  Fortunately the night before the wedding, an available room inside opened up for us to use.  This room happened to be all windows on two sides over looking a pretty lake.  I had the joy of being married nice and dry inside with the view of a lovely rain outside.

As we were counting down the days in May until our little bundle of joy came, it was really hot and dry and drought conditions were already apparent.  I remember telling Eriek one day that I wouldn't be surprised at all if it rained the day Arella was born, it just seemed right.  Well, she showed up two weeks early on May 11th, one of the only rainy days we've had this year.

There's just something about those rainy days.  Maybe I just have a thing for water.  But I think it's more of a reminder for me of God's promises. 

Back in the day people were running amok, doing whatever they pleased, totally corrupted and full of violence.  God saw that their wickedness was great and that every intent of their heart was evil, except for Noah who pleased God.  So God decided to destroy every living thing (except those on the ark with Noah) with a great flood. After the rain stopped and the flood waters receded, God made a sign, the rainbow, to mark a covenant that He would never again use a flood to destroy the earth.  So when we see the rainbow it is for God and for us to remember His covenant.

Dolly Parton has a great quote, "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain."  I think that is why I love rain and storms so much, for the hope that follows it.  Not every rain storm promises a great event in my life and not every great event will happen on a rainy day.  But we all go through the storms of life and sometimes just feel like we're drowning.  If we can look forward with hope and excitement for the rainbow to come, it makes putting up with the rain a lot easier.

Arella's Room

Many of you know I started working on Arella's room back in February, and I have yet to post pics. Well, I finally took pictures and had a few minutes to get them on my computer

Everything is hand painted except the verse on the wall is a vinyl sticker.  I'm tickled every time we change Arella's diaper because she loves to stare at her little monkey and even reaches out for it and smiles at it!  That makes all the time and effort worth it!!!  Enjoy...

 

 

Let the Games Begin

I've had all of these absolutely brilliant ideas to write about on my blog, but as you can see it's been a month since my last entry.  As any mom knows, these moments of wisdom and insight come at the most convenient times to write them down, like while driving in the car, or nursing a baby, or on the really rare occasion you get the chance to take a shower. 

I feel like this past week has given me a fresh start.  We discovered Arella has reflux and her medicine has helped in a huge way this past week and a half.  So my previously upset and in pain baby is back to her happy little self, and this mommy now has a new sense of calm and peace.  Last Saturday my husband watched Arella so I could go do Piyo at the gym.  It kicked my butt and I was sore all over- one of the best feelings in the world to me!  So that jump started me to get back into shape, and now I look forward to doing a little physical activity every day.  And of course, my mom gave me this card that just hits the nail on the head:

I laughed so hard at this because it's so accurate!  But it's also really made me think about a few things.  Obviously things have changed for me in a big way.  I have always been an on-the-go kinda gal and an athlete constantly working out.  Now, there might be several days in a row where the closest I get to leaving the house is opening the garage door to throw the trash out and I glance at my car.  I was a good girl and didn't work out at all until the doctor cleared me.  Six weeks has to be the longest I've ever not done some kind of workout!

I knew these things would happen, I was ready for the change and had an idea of what would be coming.  And I have to say, I'm absolutely LOVING having so much time with my daughter- priceless!  But what keeps crossing my mind now, is what's next? Where will this road lead me?  What does God have in store?

It's scary for me not to be planning out the next four year cycle of my life like I've been accustomed to.  However, it's also freeing and invigorating to be on a new winding path.  And today I will find my contentment staring into these beautiful bright blue eyes God has blessed us with.