After about an hour, I was more awake than when I laid down, and I just couldn't shake the thought that I needed to come write a blog. Makes total sense, I know. So I got up.
But I sat down in front of my computer at 1:00 am and did what I do best: procrastinate. I spent a few minutes going through email, mostly getting rid of spam, then kind of yelled at myself inside my head, "You sat down to write a blog, so start writing a blog already!"
Of course after laying in bed for an hour, I had several things I wanted to write about that seemed like completely awesome ideas in bed, but when I sat in front of the computer they all seemed stupid and trivial. So instead of starting, I procrastinated some more.
I decided to go to my home page and see what new blog posts I needed to read and catch up on. The very first one that popped up was actually a local family that I had been talking to my husband about earlier today.
This couple has an almost 14 day old sweet baby boy that just began to breathe on his own a little more than 24 hours ago. His short little journey so far has been a crazy ride, but one that God is obviously in the driver's seat of.
The simple fact that this little guy is breathing on his own, is evidence of God's glorious handy work, but to me what is truly glorifying God's great name is the faithfulness of this little boy's parents.
Letting go of the handrails of this world and reaching out for and trusting that God's invisible hand will be there to catch, guide and support me is something I struggle with daily. I have had times in my life where my faith and trust in Him has been so strong, it seemed easy. Today it feels hard.
I try remembering those times it seemed easy, and my first thought is, "Wow, I was like a naive little child, believing in things I shouldn't have believed in!" Oh yeah, Matthew 18 talks about that. In many ways we need to be like little children- namely for me right now is trusting.
Trust makes me think about my 10 month old daughter. She trusts me without reservation or hesitation. She is never worried I'm going to drop her. When she needs something, she immediately looks to me, knowing without a doubt that I will fulfill that need. When she hurts, she cries for me, trusting that I will make her feel better. And when she's happy, she smiles at me with her whole face as if she's trying to show me exactly how happy she is, and she wants to share every bit of that happiness with me.
Now, why don't I trust God so fully and purely like that? And when I do trust Him, why am I not fully living for Him? These two go hand-in-hand, but I find myself at odds with this.
"For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members." Romans 7:22-23I guess I'm not totally alone in this battle since Paul put it so eloquently above. And I'm pretty sure I've just figured out why I'm up writing this blog in the middle of the night. I've been craving closeness with God but feel so rushed during the day and so exhausted at night, that I've just pushed Him aside. I've been praying for Him to continue to press this desire to know Him more in my heart and to help me desire to want to spend more time in His word. Well, it's now 3:54 AM and for the last 3 hours I have been praying, reading scripture and dwelling on my relationship with Him.
It's not always rational to us when or how or why He calls us to do certain things, but I'm really glad I answered this call and got out of bed. I have a feeling I won't be as tired today as I should be with this lack of sleep, because I'm resting in the Lord tonight.