Monday, June 9, 2014

The Top 5 Cringe-Worthy Kid Noises

Kids make noises. Loads of 'em. Some are hysterical, some are sweet and some... well, there are some that can drive me down right loony.

So here's what I think are the top 5 cringe-worthy kid noises:

5.  The Wail.

The inconsolable baby. At first you just feel bad because you can't make it stop. You try EVERYTHING in the book to no avail. It's a slow, painful kind of torture that eventually makes you want to pull your hair out, punch a wall and wail, too.

4.  The No.

This is not to be confused with the backtalking shout "NO!" This is the drag-stretch-whine-it-out-for-a-minute-straight ""

3.  The Squirt.

Nope, it's not a fart or even a cute little toot. This one is quiet and subtle, but instantly you know it's not just air. Your eyes will bug out in anxious horror as it begins because in that exact moment you know it's juicy, it's liquid and no diaper on earth is capable of holding it in. In fact, it is a guaranteed disaster. It's the noise that precedes moments like when you see your baby hold up her hand in the rear view mirror, and you're momentarily confused as to how she got into chocolate while buckled into her car seat. And then you realize... it's not chocolate. Yes, that happened.

2.  The Moan.

You know the one. Nothing is wrong, but there's this slow, steady moaning with this incredibly soft whiny edge that goes on and on and on... It will drive you completely mad. You hold out as long as humanly possible, at which point you will retrieve kid from torturous bed, and they are instantly cured of this condition. It is truly one the most clever forms of sleep evasion we have experienced.

1.  The Shriek. 

There is the squeal, the scream and then there is the shriek. As far as I know, this sound can only be made by a toddler girl. It's in a league of its' own. It's ear piercing, gut wrenching and shocking to your system. It has been known to render an adult completely paralyzed. It's three octaves higher than any other human sound. It's just one octave lower than a dog whistle. It comes out of nowhere and terrifies every person and pet in range. As quickly as it comes, it vanishes again. It frequents our house in double doses and usually makes its' appearance during the baby's nap time.

Kids do things that drive us nuts ALL. THE. TIME. But then they flash that impossibly adorable smile.

They belly laugh at the simplest things. They say, "I love you" of their own accord. They tell you funny stories, reenact shows and bust out the most creative dance moves on the planet. They take you on an imaginative adventure and show you how to see from their perspective. They make you smile and cry and grow your heart so full of love that you think it might burst. They stretch you and teach you and change you. And you realize, annoying sounds and all, they are without a doubt, the absolute best little things on this planet.

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